O'Masi'richi

At times I wish my life can be as simple as Masi. See Masi is my puppy and she is content with eating, playing, and napping. If we could all have a little of her spirit.
Today, we attended her weekly obedience lessons and I am supposed to starve her prior to class, so that she is more obedient. It amazes me how much she can learn with an empty stomach and how much energy she has without lunch and dinner. She was overexcited and wanted to play with every puppy. And then afterward, I fed her in the car, on the ride home, it didn't take much for her to wag her little tail in approval.
As soon as we arrived home, she reaches for her toy, plays a little and just naps next to me why I work. How I wish we could trade places?

Joint Account vs Individual Account

I feel that choices often defer based on the individual's background. My parents are for joint account because they have done it and feel it is the best way to live in unity and to emphasize trust. They also feel like that way every monetary decision is made jointly. My in-laws on the other hand, will vouch for separate account because they did it that way and it was their way of finding peace. Especially my mother-in-law who feels very strongly about it. They feel it is easier for everyone to keep their money and make contributions accordingly. One might feel that another may use the joint account to control the other's activity.

My thoughts- I don't know which is the best but I do not think others should intervene in a couple's decision. I feel that joint is more common with low income earners, and I think the reason being, every dollar is vital, they often live pay check to pay check and selfishness is not an option. Even some low income earners that are non-married, and living together, they tend to share more. Also it is easier when people have children, but then again the rich can often get away with just having a joint account for the kids.

My problem with all of these is if you start of a marriage one way, do not attempt to switch when circumstances change. No matter what your reasoning might be, it is often wrong. Most of the time problems arise when it was once joint and then one wants separate.

I know of a woman that is no longer living with her husband, his reason is he is not respected, her reason is she does not want a joint account and he insists on that. I was quite confused, so in my query I learned that they have always had a joint account. But she added that he controlled everything and never gave her any money. This has been going on while they lived in Nigeria, enough to have 3 or 4 kids with the oldest being 17 years old. Hmmm I thought, coincidentally the time she was voicing her right to have a separate account is also the same time that she began to earn her nursing salary. I am not saying this man isn't controlling, he probably is but my point is she put up with it all this while until she started making more money. A wrong is always a wrong, it should not change based on your situation. Note it may only be a coincident but do you see how odd it is, because it never bothered her this much until now. She also wanted to buy the house she is living in ow and for some reason her husband said no, however she insisted and bought the house without him and moved out with her children. But before she made decisions with her husband, it was once important that one must convince the other that it was a smart move before buying anything but at this time she felt that she did not need his support. I mean why not just give him the divorce papers. Interestingly, those are some of the down sides of separate accounts.

But problems may arise even the other way around. I know a nurse who met his wife when he was studying for his MBA. She had a small job and so was contributing only 20% to their family income. Well she requested that they have a joint account but for some reason he refused, and whatever his reasons were bothered her slightly. Well they had a daughter and then a son, and she finally finished school, her new job moved the family to Arizona to take a very honorable salary position. She was making 2.5x his salary now and bought him and herself a mercedes benz. He was slightly bothered that everyone termed it her money and her car. At that point, he felt that she was misusing 'their' money and they may not have a lot to save and he asked then for them to have a joint account. Bad timing isn't it? very bad timing? misusing for you, may not be for me and vice versa.

Where do we draw the line with separate or joint? although it is separate, can you do whatever you like with your money? is it really yours or ours? Or although it is joint, can you spend 50% more than me on whatever you like, especially since you make more than me and hence contribute more? Ok so you decide to be separate, how do you split the bills especially if one makes 3x more than the other?

So here are some pros and cons of both. Separate- pros complete freedom to do as you choose with 'your' money; you can surprise each other without the other finding out. cons- it is a marriage and you are supposed to be one (there should be no separate in matrimony); if you make more, and you buy expensive things that the other does not approve of or you make decisions by yourself that leaves you in the end by yourself.

Joint- pros you make decisions together and agree upon a fixed family budget, the ins and outs when it comes to money is always accounted for. cons- everything has to be discussed or explained that might bother some people; it may cause problems if different spending styles, ex. one of you is more high maintenance; It is difficult for some to claim they bought the other a gift because it is with 'our' money.

If you feel strongly about separate maybe you shouldn't have gotten married just yet, address those issues before jumping the broom. If you feel so strongly about joint, make sure it is for the right reasons, and not because you are contributing the least. My suggestion is do both- I haven't met anyone who could account for using both so I am not claiming that it is the solution. But one might consider having a joint account for bills and decisions like buying a gift for a family wedding, but also have a small separate account for personal items.

What ya think? I am interested in hearing your thoughts.

It's been a while

Often times it is mixed feelings and confusion that often gets me writing. It helps me put things into perspective, either writing or drawing. I've been busy! you don't realize you are stressed until something crazy happens and your reaction is not really you. For you it might be buying a dog, feeling betrayed' failing an exam for the first time, or thinking you picked the wrong profession.

My husband and I are separated because of our jobs, we see each other for a few days, once a month if our jobs permit. sometimes I try to pretend like it isn't real but most of the time reality sinks in and I want to give my career all up and walk away. It almost seems like you are married but your daily decisions are made without each other, and one person's small decision does not affect the other. Your plans are set on hold; example starting a family or to say the least savings... This separation has been very difficult but my goal is to hurry up and change my situation without having to require an anti-depressant.

So I bought a dog, her name is Omasirich (aka. Masi), she is a great companion and she is very smart. I have never had a pet before so we are both learning somehow. She is a lot of work but she keeps me out of trouble. Sometimes, I wish I could talk to her and hear her opinion on things. You know- there are times you might have something to say but you need to find the right person to say it to. Sometimes, you might think you trust someone and then they let you down by telling the whole world. In another light, sometimes you might think that someone trusts you but then something happens, and you find out that you are their number 1 suspect.

I like to see the best in things or in people but often times people mistake me for being gullible. I also I'm doing my best to make the best in my marriage, it may mean that I had to give up my fellowship plans. Some will ask "would you have done this if you weren't married?" It may also mean doing things that I wouldn't have previously done. One thing is for sure, I have yet to regret any of my decisions so far. Although I fear that it might change, and though I wish that fear wasn't there but it is.

You know marriage is both people giving 150:150, but most of the time it doesn't happen simultaneously and that is expected. Example, you both plan to get pregnant every 1-2 yrs for the next 3-4 yrs, she opts to stay at home and to start her career when the kids are ready for school. Things work out great, he is very supportive, caring and loving. Well things continue to work great and even your last one is now 16. Men in 2 more years, he will be out of the house, and in a year you will be recognized and promoted at your job (Mind you this is the ultimate of the ultimate of all promotions- get the point? :)). In the midst of all of these excitement, you miss your period and felt it was due to all these excitement but no, you are truly, and really pregnant oops. You cannot even decide whether to be happy or sad, you guys thought you had it all planned out but God, the creator and the giver of life, has the better plan.

This time you think either daycare or your husband ought to stay home but he says no to both. There is no other option but for you to stay home or create problems by signing the child up for daycare. At that time, would you think that it is an equal 150:150? probably not but it took another occurrence in the future for you to realize that the other is selfish. Some may use that at a breaking point to start to have second thoughts about the marriage, they remind him and tell family members that I stayed home for four kids all I ask is for him to stay home ........

This does not describe my marriage in anyway but hey we are not yet even 2 years old :)

A note to leave you with, God is very vital in a marriage, when we start letting go of God, our marriage shatters. Also when you start taking other people's opinion (s) of more value than your spouse you will have problems and eventually Shatter as well.

Take home message Hebrews 10: 11-14; 18 God bless you all.

Message to you

Love is like a virus. It can happen to anybody at any time. -Even though it took a while to happen to me, it happened with you, and with you in my life I understand the word Everlasting.

Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at it destination full of hope. -Whenever we have our bad moments, I remember how much you climbed through every barrier to get to be with me.  And although we have our downs, this describes our love and I hope that we will someday complete it with children of our own likeness [lil you and me :)]

Words mean more than what is set down on paper. It takes the human voice to infuse them with deeper meaning.  -You know the next time we see ourselves going down the road of anger can we write instead :)

I have found that among its other benefits, giving liberates the soul of the giver- I am glad we are both givers because it makes us easily give up our hearts to each other-  may we never feel that our souls are been enslaved. 

love builds up the broken wall and straightens the crooked path. love keeps the stars in the firmament and imposes rhythm on the ocean tides each of us is created of it and I suspect each of us was created for it- I love you and I hate to feel like I am competing with your job or family to win your affection.

The ache of home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned.  -  You allow me to be me and you have showed me more attention than anyone in my family.  When I am around you, I feel like I mean a lot to you but at times it is nice to hear it from you especially when I am far from your reach. You are my safe place, that is why it hurts when I cannot talk to or see you.  I will do better at showing you respect, but it is harder to give respect when hurt or angry.

Life is a gift, and I try to respond with grace and courtesy-  I take my life very seriously because I feel like I have a purpose to fulfill on this earth.  It has been a difficult but great experience trying to fit my new responsibility into this purpose that is still in its rough draft state.  

I love you dearly! muah!

Update

By the way, all is well now.  I think we have a better understanding but we still think we need God's help and we are going to get it.  All I wanted was for us to work out a way to talk with each other.  It was very nice talking to Dr. Sittnick, he used to be a marriage counsellor back when he was in the military as Commander in Chief (I think).  He told me that a lot of men (including himself) 1) try to carry the weight of their marriage on themselves, he told me a lot of men wants respect and should always remind myself to make sure I don't slip and then he told me that there are 3 mistakes men make- 2) he says they make the mistake of thinking for women (and they are always wrong and I laughed because my Jude does it all the time).  And I have to think about the third one.  He told me but there are two exercises that he used for the other married couples that he will pass on to me- he says what is it that Jude does that makes you feel loved? and what is it that you do that make Jude feel loved (Jude has to answer that)? and he said then you too must sit together and try to sort out what is possible or impossible.  My husband turned in a resignation letter and that is how all of these sprung up.  Unfortunately, from talking to him it sounded like it wasn't what he wanted but he thinks it is what the family needs.  Except he decided that on his own, with a bottle of wine as he told me, and a weak reason not to from an unmarried friend.  We talked at large and he agreed to think about it and although he is yet to give me a final answer- I think he is going to keep his job.  That is one of the things I am trying to get used to - when I hear I will think about it to me it is not a final answer and I always feel that the discussion was never complete.  Anywho...we have been ok thus far.  There is a patron saint for everything my the way...  Love~ Cheech

My thoughts

Lately, I have craved to have a baby swimming in my womb.  It happened once, and I lost it.  It is like God tried to tell me that "hey! you have no problem conceiving but I don't think it is time for you guys to be parent."  But I want to so bad that I have spent so much time asking God to help me understand why.  But then a lot of things has happened in its own way since then and I feel like God tells me each time "see for ya self." You know it fits the saying "e bu na Chi gi uzo" meaning literally don't come first before your God.  I am still praying for understanding since I am even still trying to understand all aspects of my marriage.  Maybe we don't need the distractions of a child, maybe I am afraid to loose my husband, maybe God wants us to wait till he gets over his distractions first.

By the latter I mean sometimes I don't feel like he realizes his role in our future.  He puts everyone else first before himself- everyone else is top priority and not him.  I don't wish to tell him what to do but sometimes the thing to do is very obvious.  I am trying hard to not get to a point where I resent some of his loved ones and I don't think I will but sometimes it is enough pressure that you don't have a choice.  

If for some reason he were not around, I feel like the situation will take care of itself somehow.  That also means he must learn to explain to family that "I need to take care of this first and I haven't forgotten about you."  Or we can keep managing and patching forever, because something tells me that this might never change.  Let's just say I await the day he will place himself first and then take care of everyone else.  Everyone sort of warned me about this and I guess I somewhat thought of it as well as long as we are comfortable then who cares who else we have to help get on their two feet.  But I have not felt comfortable about his car however, for some reason my concerns does not matter.  He rather uncomfortably and continuously maintain the car while he puts money away for other family members.  I am not trying to be sarcastic just trying hard to understand it.  

Something, tells me that God wants us to completely understand some of these confusions, I bet he also wants this family to be of utmost important and priority to both me and my husband (i.e. with no buts) before he helps me complicate things :) (I smile because I am ready when you are and I cannot wait to raise a child in the ways of Christ).  We can't always get what we want when we want it can we?  At times though, I wonder why I have to try to be the understanding one in my family- my parents used to rely on me to understand a lot of their excuses (aka parenting).  I am praying hard for God to help me (and us) make sense out of all these.

With that, I am truly content with my life at this point, I am just lonely a lot but I am seriously considering a pet dog, what do ya think?  I don't know anything about dogs so I am going to start reading about them- because I wouldn't know where to begin as in what kind of dog do I want? I will run it again by him- to make sure it is ok.

A quarter of a century

In three days I would have lived a quarter of a century.  I have no regrets and I think I have accomplished many thing in that short span.  I want to continue to serve the Lord in anyway I see fit.  I believe my job is one of the paths God chose for me to serve mankind and no one except God will come in between.  My life may seem complicated now but answers will come to me very soon.  I answer only to God and he has always blessed me.  Today, I am me- a child of God, a sister, a daughter, a granddaughter, a cousin, a niece, a friend, a wife, a doctor, a daughter-in-law, a sister-in-law, and a cousin-in-law.  Some day I will be a future mother.  I hope to be closer to God, the way I used to be.  I can no longer make excuses about time because he brought me this far.  I ask the Lord for more understanding in my home, and mostly peace.  Happy Bday to me!!!!