Message to you

Love is like a virus. It can happen to anybody at any time. -Even though it took a while to happen to me, it happened with you, and with you in my life I understand the word Everlasting.

Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at it destination full of hope. -Whenever we have our bad moments, I remember how much you climbed through every barrier to get to be with me.  And although we have our downs, this describes our love and I hope that we will someday complete it with children of our own likeness [lil you and me :)]

Words mean more than what is set down on paper. It takes the human voice to infuse them with deeper meaning.  -You know the next time we see ourselves going down the road of anger can we write instead :)

I have found that among its other benefits, giving liberates the soul of the giver- I am glad we are both givers because it makes us easily give up our hearts to each other-  may we never feel that our souls are been enslaved. 

love builds up the broken wall and straightens the crooked path. love keeps the stars in the firmament and imposes rhythm on the ocean tides each of us is created of it and I suspect each of us was created for it- I love you and I hate to feel like I am competing with your job or family to win your affection.

The ache of home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned.  -  You allow me to be me and you have showed me more attention than anyone in my family.  When I am around you, I feel like I mean a lot to you but at times it is nice to hear it from you especially when I am far from your reach. You are my safe place, that is why it hurts when I cannot talk to or see you.  I will do better at showing you respect, but it is harder to give respect when hurt or angry.

Life is a gift, and I try to respond with grace and courtesy-  I take my life very seriously because I feel like I have a purpose to fulfill on this earth.  It has been a difficult but great experience trying to fit my new responsibility into this purpose that is still in its rough draft state.  

I love you dearly! muah!

Update

By the way, all is well now.  I think we have a better understanding but we still think we need God's help and we are going to get it.  All I wanted was for us to work out a way to talk with each other.  It was very nice talking to Dr. Sittnick, he used to be a marriage counsellor back when he was in the military as Commander in Chief (I think).  He told me that a lot of men (including himself) 1) try to carry the weight of their marriage on themselves, he told me a lot of men wants respect and should always remind myself to make sure I don't slip and then he told me that there are 3 mistakes men make- 2) he says they make the mistake of thinking for women (and they are always wrong and I laughed because my Jude does it all the time).  And I have to think about the third one.  He told me but there are two exercises that he used for the other married couples that he will pass on to me- he says what is it that Jude does that makes you feel loved? and what is it that you do that make Jude feel loved (Jude has to answer that)? and he said then you too must sit together and try to sort out what is possible or impossible.  My husband turned in a resignation letter and that is how all of these sprung up.  Unfortunately, from talking to him it sounded like it wasn't what he wanted but he thinks it is what the family needs.  Except he decided that on his own, with a bottle of wine as he told me, and a weak reason not to from an unmarried friend.  We talked at large and he agreed to think about it and although he is yet to give me a final answer- I think he is going to keep his job.  That is one of the things I am trying to get used to - when I hear I will think about it to me it is not a final answer and I always feel that the discussion was never complete.  Anywho...we have been ok thus far.  There is a patron saint for everything my the way...  Love~ Cheech

My thoughts

Lately, I have craved to have a baby swimming in my womb.  It happened once, and I lost it.  It is like God tried to tell me that "hey! you have no problem conceiving but I don't think it is time for you guys to be parent."  But I want to so bad that I have spent so much time asking God to help me understand why.  But then a lot of things has happened in its own way since then and I feel like God tells me each time "see for ya self." You know it fits the saying "e bu na Chi gi uzo" meaning literally don't come first before your God.  I am still praying for understanding since I am even still trying to understand all aspects of my marriage.  Maybe we don't need the distractions of a child, maybe I am afraid to loose my husband, maybe God wants us to wait till he gets over his distractions first.

By the latter I mean sometimes I don't feel like he realizes his role in our future.  He puts everyone else first before himself- everyone else is top priority and not him.  I don't wish to tell him what to do but sometimes the thing to do is very obvious.  I am trying hard to not get to a point where I resent some of his loved ones and I don't think I will but sometimes it is enough pressure that you don't have a choice.  

If for some reason he were not around, I feel like the situation will take care of itself somehow.  That also means he must learn to explain to family that "I need to take care of this first and I haven't forgotten about you."  Or we can keep managing and patching forever, because something tells me that this might never change.  Let's just say I await the day he will place himself first and then take care of everyone else.  Everyone sort of warned me about this and I guess I somewhat thought of it as well as long as we are comfortable then who cares who else we have to help get on their two feet.  But I have not felt comfortable about his car however, for some reason my concerns does not matter.  He rather uncomfortably and continuously maintain the car while he puts money away for other family members.  I am not trying to be sarcastic just trying hard to understand it.  

Something, tells me that God wants us to completely understand some of these confusions, I bet he also wants this family to be of utmost important and priority to both me and my husband (i.e. with no buts) before he helps me complicate things :) (I smile because I am ready when you are and I cannot wait to raise a child in the ways of Christ).  We can't always get what we want when we want it can we?  At times though, I wonder why I have to try to be the understanding one in my family- my parents used to rely on me to understand a lot of their excuses (aka parenting).  I am praying hard for God to help me (and us) make sense out of all these.

With that, I am truly content with my life at this point, I am just lonely a lot but I am seriously considering a pet dog, what do ya think?  I don't know anything about dogs so I am going to start reading about them- because I wouldn't know where to begin as in what kind of dog do I want? I will run it again by him- to make sure it is ok.

A quarter of a century

In three days I would have lived a quarter of a century.  I have no regrets and I think I have accomplished many thing in that short span.  I want to continue to serve the Lord in anyway I see fit.  I believe my job is one of the paths God chose for me to serve mankind and no one except God will come in between.  My life may seem complicated now but answers will come to me very soon.  I answer only to God and he has always blessed me.  Today, I am me- a child of God, a sister, a daughter, a granddaughter, a cousin, a niece, a friend, a wife, a doctor, a daughter-in-law, a sister-in-law, and a cousin-in-law.  Some day I will be a future mother.  I hope to be closer to God, the way I used to be.  I can no longer make excuses about time because he brought me this far.  I ask the Lord for more understanding in my home, and mostly peace.  Happy Bday to me!!!!  

I'm at work

I have enjoyed your responses thus far- keep it coming. This one is pretty interesting- listen to this dialogue.
G- we did not speak much last week
B- yes we did- the day we talked for a long time
G but is that normal for married people?
B-no but I am not trying to make any excuses but .... (=excuses)
G- so u don't agree that there was anything wrong with last week or you did not even notice? not talking that much for a week?
B- I have a new job and I am not used to the schedule!!!!!
(argument follows) then
B- u know what go ahead- i don't have anything else to say
G- ok (talking) and B- starting to talk over too
G- I thought u have nothing to say
now arguing at the top of our voices
B- this is becos u cannot stand my job
G- who they heck mentioned ur job yes and yes and yes I do not like it- i only put up with it- I have been saying that for a long time
B- do not say anything u will regret
G- like what? that I put up with your job (everyone is talking at the same time)
B- I try to like ur job
G- um that is because u have always known my job, too bad...I have not always known in fact part of the things I was told too was my new status I can take 2-3 weeks off ...get ur sources straight before you make promises that will not hold true in the future- it has almost screwed us up before (no longer an argument mind you- it is now lots and lots of shouting)
B- ..... If u are so sick of my job bring the divorce papers and I will sign it

NB- interestingly the job was all that B needed to be happy in this world, not ever meeting or knowing G.

Ok now
G- we did not talk much of last week
B2- well sorry about that...I am not sure how you keep up with those long hours but I have yet to get used to mine. did u have any suggestions in mind?
G- well maybe since u call pretty early- I will start going to bed early so that I can just wake up the same time as you- i can even start going out to the gym in th mornings now.
B2- o ok. hopefully it gets better
No arguments- G and B2 did not humiliate themselves but tried to reach a compromise together. I am happy that I love my job, and I knew what I was getting myself into. What I have expected, I have had the priviledge to even experience more. The only thing my life is missing is my extreme closeness to God is depreciated. I hope this teaches you guys how to avoid an argument. American men are good at avoinding an argument with their spouse because they mostly use the second dialogue and they are happy and go to bed happy and sometimes even get breakfast in the morning. But good luck to ethnic men because their pride is what makes their home unstable. Sometimes just asking whoever brought up the issue why they r bringing it up or what they want out of it, or what solutions they have in mind instead of trying to call her a nagging biatch or always complaining.
Take care y'all- hope this helps y'all. Love ya all