Freedom

I've taken a break to watch Girlfriends.  I am stuffed from eating too much food :)  I had a great relaxing bath in my jocose and after that a nice nap.  I met a Nigerian woman at work and I am looking out for some more.  Sometimes I wonder how much I have to give up, for my life gets more difficulty daily.  My life was simple and uncomplicated as far back as I could remember.  I always had time to meditate, time for school, time with my great family and with my friends.  It was lovely ... I had a lot of guy friends, because it was easier.  You know how guys can joke with other guys, make fun of each other and no one gets upset.  And that is why I always have guys friend ...it was my way of getting out of the competition that goes on at my home.

Till today i can still make fun of my guy friends and they will just make fun at me back until we have to go.  It is being free, it is  being insensitive about nothing.  It is understanding each other and knowing that the other will never hurt you, it is knowing that we got each other's back.  It is a little different with some of my other friends.  Sometimes they judge that I will judge them before I even start talking.  It is like trying to read my mind but deliberately expecting something ill of me.  It is like there is always this competition of who is more right than the other, at times all I think about is how to stay sane or how to stay happy or happier.  I do that a lot with my siblings and my parents, should I argue or let it go.  Let it go, and forget about it is almost always my choice.  That earned me the name quiet and respectful one amongst my family.  My Sister Lilian can be odd sometimes but she knows I will not fight her back and it is funny the one person that tells me to stand up to them cannot stand it when I stand up to her.  Or when I question something that she did...I cannot say the normal joking things that I say to other people.  I have to create a different set of joke with her.   So was it always like this and I missed it.  Even now on the phone, I feel like we run out of things to talk about.  In a way, it is like we are no longer of interest to each other.  The times we do spend on the phone, I pay attention and I try to be careful because we may end up just going to bed without proper good byes.  Is it bad to think our friendship may not last, is it a coward thought to think this?  it is scary to fight over dumb things ... I think this is why they saw the woman or man is always right - my translation is let it go because it is not about winning this argument it is about being happy and staying sane.  But it is always about winning and who will apologize first, and a lot of sadness and bad thoughts following the fight.  So we know ourselves, one fight, then another, then another, then a very big one and then ... wow  

We secretly do what we need to do to avoid one but then she likes to uplift herself, o I have been doing this to prevent one, you like to start something ... does it sound to you like children?  well it does to me.  I will no longer try to come up with solutions because she gets angry that I came up with it and I am trying to boss her around and make her follow it....It doesn't matter to me any longer.  A lot of things does not matter to me any longer, I like being me and our weakest habit is communication and it has hurt us and it will continue to hurt us until ... too doos have a wonderful night